UNTIL DEATH DOES ME APART

Losing myself in rom-coms and imagination
Quarantine has made it very clear that I'm going to die alone
I'm always off the grid when it comes to modern-day romance
App meet-ups have never been my thing
I'm an awkward person and too lazy for texting

I'm still recovering from the last time I tried
Besides, it's hard work to swipe
I love photos
In fact, I love photography
But, a photo is not enough to validate a pursuit
No wonder it's difficult for me to do online shopping
I want to use all my senses when it comes to making a choice
The look, the scent, the smile, the humor, the touch, the conversation

The nails and teeth...I'm strange
What is the probability of dumping into an eligible someone 
In this small city, that probability is close to zero

Families know each other as far as the Alamo 

All men are born engaged here 

That probability is made even smaller because I'm exotic 

I lay in bed staring blankly at the ceiling, wondering...

~Evelyn Nec

LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH

Finally bought an album and sorted hundreds of photos I’ve been carrying around in a plastic bag for four years. Memories came flooding back. I spent the afternoon taking photos of photos and sharing them on our family’s WhatsApp group. We reminisced and laughed. I saw home vividly even if I know it’s no longer this way. I saw our parents happy and dad was still alive. I saw our multitudes of relatives and childhood friends who either broke off all ties or are dearly departed. I was left with an amalgam of happiness, pain, and outright disbelief of what happened. Life was so simple and fulfilling when we were young, poor, and free. 

~Evelyn Nec

PEP TALK

This is the inside scoop. I don’t have any written in stone, time-focused twenty-twenty resolutions because I do not want to have any evidence of my lack of focus and incompetence in various activities of daily living. I have my goals somewhere locked away and I drag out one at a time...then BANG! Resolution achieved! In 2018, I made a few goals for myself which I’m still dragging along to date. Let me see how far I have come.

1. Don't be afraid to love yourself. This has not come easy but I no longer let the number on the weighing scale determine my mood and how to understand myself. I still work out and my aim is for resilience. As long as I can run without wheezing like a Chewbacca and lift heavy effortlessly…I’m good. I have learned that muscle soreness will forever be a part of me as a bottom itch…not too intense to ruin your day but forever there.
2. Don’t be afraid to learn a new skill. I taught myself how to ride a bicycle in 7 days. Hail unto me! Of course, I have ended up in bushes more than necessary but I can go a mile without complaining for a baby learner. Saddle soreness is a real demon and it makes me walk like a frog because my thunder thighs are always in the way to my success. I need to do more squats. I’m learning yoga too just for the flexibility fun. It hurts. I can stand on my head for a second before I start seeing stars. I’m almost making a split. 
3. Don’t be afraid to make new friends. I think that I have excelled most in this department because modern problems need modern weapons. Like one time I pounced on a girl I found at the shop because it was my goal for that day to attack people and forced my friend-requests on them. She has since accepted me as a permanent thing in her life.
4. Don’t be afraid to show emotion. I’m still learning this because accepting to be vulnerable is not a quality of mine. I’m an emotion-chameleon. As soon as one sees yellow, I immediately turn to green or red and black because I don’t like feeling pink.
5. Don’t be afraid to date. This is one struggle of mine. I am socially awkward. Whenever I have to meet potential people, I put on a personality suit for the day which is exhausting. The real me doesn’t like outings. She likes quiet travel, art, crochet, writing, deep thoughts and secrets. That man will have to find me under my bed to know the real me. Online dating is not my cup of tea. I have lazy fingers so I hate texting. There are so many weird people out there on all apps and sites. I don’t have time to play sieving-apparatus. I’m going to die alone! Amadioha forbid!

There are several things I have tried to organize in my life. Some small like eating more vegetables and drinking water. And, some big like I stopped living in a hurry. I take time to appreciate moments in life. Also, I have accepted that I have reached that age where I need to depend on supplements to survive. All bottom itches are intense. There’s no in-between.

Till next time

~Evelyn Nec

YOUNGER

When I was younger

I caught my reflection in a broken window

I didn't like what I saw

It's not because the tropical midday sun was hell-sent to turn us into ash

It's not because my furrowed brow and sweat glistened forehead made me look severe

It's not because the size of my head to body at that age was lollipop-like

It's not because there was so much pain in my eyes

It's not because we were not allowed to cry

It's not because I was extremely hungry since the school had started forgetting to feed us 

It's not because my shoes were torn and had on stolen stockings

It's not because I had just received a lashing during the morning lesson 

It's not because my parents had missed visiting day  

It's not because I forgot to starch the uniform belt that it was more of a rope

It's not because I had broken up with my best friend

It's not because the other children in line kept pushing me to move but I was too lost in thought that they went ahead of me and I ended up getting a sugarless cup of burnt millet porridge 

It's not because I was having an existential crisis at eleven years old

When I was younger

I caught my reflection in a broken window

I didn't like what I saw

I fought to change it. 

FINDING MYSELF AGAIN AMONG THE PAGES

I started reading again

I started with a little ladybird book

and now I read books the size

of encyclopedias to no end

I read so much

I lose track of time

I lose track of existence itself

It has become my best pleasure 

I would rather stay indoors reading

than outdoors chasing the moonlight

It has opened a part of me I had forgotten 

a sense of right direction 

It locks me away from the chaos

It keeps the storms at bay

It's strange that the mere act of reading

has provided me a deep sense of self-discovery  

I didn't know I needed 

A sense of direction I thought I had lost. 

~Evelyn Nec

"One of my Twenty-Twenty resolutions is to write more this year."