THERE AND BACK AGAIN

The first time we met

You glanced my way 

Your smile broke through my barriers

I smiled back but you did not see it

A small intimate smile

I only keep for moments like these

Moments that were seldom seen

It was full-blown something at first meet

I never thought it was possible for me

I thought I was dead inside

I thought I was invisible until you

But I knew I had a choice to make

Being me and knowing me

I never choose myself

I knew I had to rip this off like a band-aid

I laid out the yellow brick road for you

I didn't want to waste each other's time

I didn't want to sit around

Playing games to a dead end

People like you do not chase people like me

I laid out my goodbyes in your final throws

A part of me hoped for more 

But I had to kill it all

It was against your dreams 
against your future without me

And I can't be selfish
So now I have to go

I'm going back to my safe place

It's going to sting

It's going to strain me

But this is the only place I can breathe

Alone, unwanted, unloved, unbroken

I'm reopening those familiar scars

Letting the rot embrace me 

Its foul stench so intoxicating

So welcoming...

~Evelyn Nec

POISON

Chapter 9
There was hope in this place
There was a place
I think
My memory is worse than blurry
There is a black hole now
Sucking in all that I am
Sucking in all that I was
Sucking in all that I thought I would be
Sucking in all of you 

Chapter 5
I am over here
I have always been over here
You are over there
You never move from there
Keeping your walls sky high
while you hold my hand and kiss it
I keep running to you
You keep running away
You have always run away
A chasing after the moon

Chapter 2
You once said that you are everywhere
The other day I thought I saw you
I did see you
You saw me too
I saw a flicker in your soul
But as soon as I made a step forward
It died
I saw myself vanish in your eyes
I saw myself vanish out of your life
I saw you letting me become another stranger on the street

Chapter 11
When I scream your name
There is no answer
When you scream my name
If you scream my name
I never hear you 
When I reach out
All I grasp is wind
One cannot hold the wind
Are you even there?
Or am I so damaged 
that I imagine you into existence?

~Evelyn Nec

2017 FOR HER

2017 for me

In January I got another beautiful little girl, bringing the number of my children to ten - six boys and four girls. So much exclamation over the number from everyone. 

Feb and March went into ensuring recovery of full body strength. 

April, I hit the exercise trail, you know, to lose the natal fat and get back in shape, fight to keep off disease that comes with age. It worked in the opposite way. I collapsed one evening on the trail because my blood pressure suddenly shot up. 

May brought a friend, someone I treasure. 

June, July was pure bliss. I got back on the trail and ate "healthy" or at least tried to. Along with a cocktail of pharma drugs, I did herbs to control my blood pressure. 

August found me slow and disoriented and as it ended, I was told I had a terminal disease. 

September I made forty. I had cracked lips, pale peeling skin, pain in the body, lost 15kgs without even trying. I cried a lot for obvious reasons. I started a herbal therapy that meant I go onto a pure vegan diet. Raw veges, lots of fruit, several liters of spring water, walking for miles each day. Misery and worry with me all the way. 

October was pretty much the same. Nothing makes you sicker than being told you're sick. In and out of hospitals. One specialist after another. Long queues, more tears, loss of appetite. Seeing one more carrot, one more avocado had me gagging. My friend was there. That very much needed shoulder to cry on was always there. And when I stayed up in the night from pain and worry, my friend stayed up. Did not tell me, at any one time, to woman up. Listened when I talked and most times just held my hand and quietly let me tide over the hardest of times. Friends. 

November I decided to live again. I bounced back. My sunken cheeks filled out again. My skin got back its dark chocolate luster. I got a bit of carbs and protein back in my diet plus the rare glass of wine. 

December, I got back some kilos. I became hopeful. I spent a lot of time with the children. Thankful that when I was doing badly, they had school and did not notice much of my situation. Cannot say the same of the eldest daughter, though. That girl has tears! 

I bid 2017 farewell in a much better state of mind. I fought to get back up and I am going to keep fighting to stay up. 

Welcome 2018, let's do this!

~Alinta Kanse (I am proud of you)