THERE AND BACK AGAIN

The first time we met

You glanced my way 

Your smile broke through my barriers

I smiled back but you did not see it

A small intimate smile

I only keep for moments like these

Moments that were seldom seen

It was full-blown something at first meet

I never thought it was possible for me

I thought I was dead inside

I thought I was invisible until you

But I knew I had a choice to make

Being me and knowing me

I never choose myself

I knew I had to rip this off like a band-aid

I laid out the yellow brick road for you

I didn't want to waste each other's time

I didn't want to sit around

Playing games to a dead end

People like you do not chase people like me

I laid out my goodbyes in your final throws

A part of me hoped for more 

But I had to kill it all

It was against your dreams 
against your future without me

And I can't be selfish
So now I have to go

I'm going back to my safe place

It's going to sting

It's going to strain me

But this is the only place I can breathe

Alone, unwanted, unloved, unbroken

I'm reopening those familiar scars

Letting the rot embrace me 

Its foul stench so intoxicating

So welcoming...

~Evelyn Nec