THANK YOU

I created this page to help me process my grief

Yes, it has been effective

I do not need this space anymore

Thank you for being here with me 

ART OF SELF SABOTAGE

 "I have been cleaning out my books and found these little lines that I wrote way back way when in 2018. So, I am leaving these here for safekeeping." 

Despite tremendous effort, my ground is always moving

I am in a constant state of panic

If my heart is not in loud palpations,

and my mind overbearing,

then I am not alive at all.

This is my normal;

always worried

always scared

I sold myself to the world

I sold myself for nothing

Now I must start fighting for me

until I break free

I need to break free

from myself.

..........

I have been by myself for so long

In fact, I have forgotten all those human instincts about belonging

When someone reaches out to me

I pour my focus on finding the fault

On doubting their generosity

On giving them a reason to run away

Because whenever people get too close

I feel caged in. 

..........

I can get myself back up

I have done it before

I can do it again

I may not be as strong

But there is one thing

which has not changed

I am still a fighter

I do not give up

I do not give in

I can keep myself afloat

like I have always done

I can hold my own hand

IT BEGAN IN SILENCE

I started writing because I loved to write

There was always something I wanted to jot down

Otherwise, I talked to myself and probably too much

I started writing to give my active imagination a base

and it was fun

Then my father passed

I started writing to not face life

I started writing to ease the pain

I started writing to give my mind some kind of formation;

a level of control 

an anchor to ground me

to save me

because I knew if I didn’t have somewhere to put myself

I was going to lose me

I started writing to run away

 

For over a decade, the words worked like hypnotic charms

My mind was in a constant hum

There was never a moment of silence 

There was never a moment my mind was left to wonder

There was never a moment my heart was permitted to open

There was never a moment my soul searched for clarification

There was never a moment to accept help

There was never a moment to welcome healing

But most of all, there was never a moment to mourn

 

One day; somewhere five years ago, 

I started hearing a chime of distant cathedral bells

This new unfamiliar sound was tolerated at first

It never overshadowed my words

So, I didn’t see it come closer

It started keeping me awake one night

Then for four

as it became louder and louder

It became distractive

It became disruptive

It became destructive

Before I knew it,

I had lost sight of me

All my walls were broken

I was fragile

I was easy prey

and my words were nowhere to be found

 

A lot happens in silence

The silence heard me cry for two years straight

The silence showed me that it was time to heal

It was about time to heal properly

It was about time to let go

It was about time to take footsteps forward

It was about time I stopped standing in my own way

But most of all, it was about time I mourned

 

It’s been two and half years since I last cried

Since my tears dissolved the ink in my diary

Since I woke up heaving with pain, anger, and frustration

Since I couldn’t bring myself to do any activity of daily living

Since I had a hard talk with myself

Since I took back the reigns of my life

Since I started walking and before I knew it, I was running

Since I started talking to my family about how I felt

Since I realized I was not alone

 

Just like that when I wasn’t listening

When the silence had become a wonderful companion

My words came flooding back

But this time in beautiful melodies

This was the sound of happiness

My imagination got its groove back

I started writing again for fun

I started writing again because I love to write.

~Evelyn Nec

CHAT WITH ME

 

I’m here for the gossip so scooch over and let’s get to it.

When the first lockdown became apparent and life as we knew it was scooped up and thrown into hades, I learned that human touch was a very much-needed physiological need. I’m sure I heard Abraham Maslow laughing at me from the afterlife. Anyway, I reactivated my bumble, tinder, match, hinge, and stranger danger accounts for the hundredth time. Facepalm. What did you want me to do? I’m a single woman living in a foreign country in a small city beyond the mountains. The odds were against me already. Thank God for this internet age. Now all I had to do was get off my tooshie and start texting. Gone were my dreams of snatching up a moneybags Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy with only my good family name. Contrary to popular belief and by belief, I mean current souls having this innate fear of calls, I prefer calls. I loathe texting. Lazy fingers here. During calls, all that needs to be said can be communicated and I can get back to enjoying nature or reading a book or crocheting or binging my animes in peace without the constant distraction from notifications. But here I was playing Russian roulette on a texting drawing board. So, after weeks of swiping left because of my impeccable taste, I did score a few beings but none of them became meaningful. It was their fault not mine even if I was the only constant factor. I was forced to reanimate all the chic-flick breakup moments like I was a teen again. One feigned a two-week migraine to avoid seeing me. Apparently, my presence made him sick literally. Four of them ghosted me after weeks of intensely texting my fingers to the bone. One blocked me and then thought I could accept his snap chat request. No, thank you, next. One kept on insisting that I send him an unfiltered photo of myself and after days of being haunted by said request, I sent him a pic of me after a 12-hour shift with my Sundstrom mask lining still dented in my face and he was like…bye b!tch…and blocked me for effect. Several just wanted to score an African tooshie and I was like, hell no! I don’t want to become your statistic. The unsolicited eggplant senders deserve a mention too. This back-and-forth male-infused drama went on for months. I can’t even get that time back. I have suffered in this world. Lucky me. Come 2021, I did myself a favor and deactivated all my accounts permanently. That was my gift from me to me. The only resolution I have kept to date. I have never known such peace.

Till next time,

~Evelyn Nec

DECLUTTERING THYSELF

Let me tell you something about hobbies: I’ve spent more money buying books I may never read, yarn and art supplies I may never use, hair products and weight loss stuff I definitely won’t follow, and more notebooks I may never use because one can only write that much. This year made me realize that I need to change. My love for reading and art is eminent. I just need to overcome the art block which has haunted me for over three years. My mind is still imaginative and colorful. My soul is always holding well-sharpened graphite or charcoal sticks or colored pencils or my latest new book waiting on my physical hand to start drawing or open a page and take us on an adventure in another writer’s mind. I need to prioritize time for reading or painting. I have made only two scarves this year which is better than nothing. Now all I need is a good series to binge and use that basket of yarn I have hoarded. Somehow, I can’t bring myself to write poems anymore. It’s not plain writer’s block. I feel like that part of me stood up and left a long time ago. Trust me, I’ve tried. All I’m holding on to is the page. I have no words left. I’m a dead poet. Damn.

Happy New Year

~Evelyn Nec

UNTIL DEATH DOES ME APART

Losing myself in rom-coms and imagination
Quarantine has made it very clear that I'm going to die alone
I'm always off the grid when it comes to modern-day romance
App meet-ups have never been my thing
I'm an awkward person and too lazy for texting

I'm still recovering from the last time I tried
Besides, it's hard work to swipe
I love photos
In fact, I love photography
But, a photo is not enough to validate a pursuit
No wonder it's difficult for me to do online shopping
I want to use all my senses when it comes to making a choice
The look, the scent, the smile, the humor, the touch, the conversation

The nails and teeth...I'm strange
What is the probability of dumping into an eligible someone 
In this small city, that probability is close to zero

Families know each other as far as the Alamo 

All men are born engaged here 

That probability is made even smaller because I'm exotic 

I lay in bed staring blankly at the ceiling, wondering...

~Evelyn Nec

LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH

Finally bought an album and sorted hundreds of photos I’ve been carrying around in a plastic bag for four years. Memories came flooding back. I spent the afternoon taking photos of photos and sharing them on our family’s WhatsApp group. We reminisced and laughed. I saw home vividly even if I know it’s no longer this way. I saw our parents happy and dad was still alive. I saw our multitudes of relatives and childhood friends who either broke off all ties or are dearly departed. I was left with an amalgam of happiness, pain, and outright disbelief of what happened. Life was so simple and fulfilling when we were young, poor, and free. 

~Evelyn Nec

PEP TALK

This is the inside scoop. I don’t have any written in stone, time-focused twenty-twenty resolutions because I do not want to have any evidence of my lack of focus and incompetence in various activities of daily living. I have my goals somewhere locked away and I drag out one at a time...then BANG! Resolution achieved! In 2018, I made a few goals for myself which I’m still dragging along to date. Let me see how far I have come.

1. Don't be afraid to love yourself. This has not come easy but I no longer let the number on the weighing scale determine my mood and how to understand myself. I still work out and my aim is for resilience. As long as I can run without wheezing like a Chewbacca and lift heavy effortlessly…I’m good. I have learned that muscle soreness will forever be a part of me as a bottom itch…not too intense to ruin your day but forever there.
2. Don’t be afraid to learn a new skill. I taught myself how to ride a bicycle in 7 days. Hail unto me! Of course, I have ended up in bushes more than necessary but I can go a mile without complaining for a baby learner. Saddle soreness is a real demon and it makes me walk like a frog because my thunder thighs are always in the way to my success. I need to do more squats. I’m learning yoga too just for the flexibility fun. It hurts. I can stand on my head for a second before I start seeing stars. I’m almost making a split. 
3. Don’t be afraid to make new friends. I think that I have excelled most in this department because modern problems need modern weapons. Like one time I pounced on a girl I found at the shop because it was my goal for that day to attack people and forced my friend-requests on them. She has since accepted me as a permanent thing in her life.
4. Don’t be afraid to show emotion. I’m still learning this because accepting to be vulnerable is not a quality of mine. I’m an emotion-chameleon. As soon as one sees yellow, I immediately turn to green or red and black because I don’t like feeling pink.
5. Don’t be afraid to date. This is one struggle of mine. I am socially awkward. Whenever I have to meet potential people, I put on a personality suit for the day which is exhausting. The real me doesn’t like outings. She likes quiet travel, art, crochet, writing, deep thoughts and secrets. That man will have to find me under my bed to know the real me. Online dating is not my cup of tea. I have lazy fingers so I hate texting. There are so many weird people out there on all apps and sites. I don’t have time to play sieving-apparatus. I’m going to die alone! Amadioha forbid!

There are several things I have tried to organize in my life. Some small like eating more vegetables and drinking water. And, some big like I stopped living in a hurry. I take time to appreciate moments in life. Also, I have accepted that I have reached that age where I need to depend on supplements to survive. All bottom itches are intense. There’s no in-between.

Till next time

~Evelyn Nec

YOUNGER

When I was younger

I caught my reflection in a broken window

I didn't like what I saw

It's not because the tropical midday sun was hell-sent to turn us into ash

It's not because my furrowed brow and sweat glistened forehead made me look severe

It's not because the size of my head to body at that age was lollipop-like

It's not because there was so much pain in my eyes

It's not because we were not allowed to cry

It's not because I was extremely hungry since the school had started forgetting to feed us 

It's not because my shoes were torn and had on stolen stockings

It's not because I had just received a lashing during the morning lesson 

It's not because my parents had missed visiting day  

It's not because I forgot to starch the uniform belt that it was more of a rope

It's not because I had broken up with my best friend

It's not because the other children in line kept pushing me to move but I was too lost in thought that they went ahead of me and I ended up getting a sugarless cup of burnt millet porridge 

It's not because I was having an existential crisis at eleven years old

When I was younger

I caught my reflection in a broken window

I didn't like what I saw

I fought to change it. 

FINDING MYSELF AGAIN AMONG THE PAGES

I started reading again

I started with a little ladybird book

and now I read books the size

of encyclopedias to no end

I read so much

I lose track of time

I lose track of existence itself

It has become my best pleasure 

I would rather stay indoors reading

than outdoors chasing the moonlight

It has opened a part of me I had forgotten 

a sense of right direction 

It locks me away from the chaos

It keeps the storms at bay

It's strange that the mere act of reading

has provided me a deep sense of self-discovery  

I didn't know I needed 

A sense of direction I thought I had lost. 

~Evelyn Nec

"One of my Twenty-Twenty resolutions is to write more this year."

BROKEN

I looked at me
I saw the pain there 
digging deep 
It's bleeding out
I leave my pain 
in everything I touch
I lose a piece of me 
in every single moment
I force a smile
I say it's okay
I can handle this
I cannot handle this
I say to myself
It's not the worst
but it is
It has never been okay
Since that day
I let the fire burn out
I let my spirit get broken
I lost sight of me
I say to myself
It's not too late
I can go back to one
I can make a new me
I say to myself I can
but I cannot 
I'm held back by claws
I sharpened myself
I say it's all in my head
but I nurtured it to grow
I fed the nothingness
that it took form
it came to life
it became me. 

~Evelyn Nec

THERE AND BACK AGAIN

The first time we met

You glanced my way 

Your smile broke through my barriers

I smiled back but you did not see it

A small intimate smile

I only keep for moments like these

Moments that were seldom seen

It was full-blown something at first meet

I never thought it was possible for me

I thought I was dead inside

I thought I was invisible until you

But I knew I had a choice to make

Being me and knowing me

I never choose myself

I knew I had to rip this off like a band-aid

I laid out the yellow brick road for you

I didn't want to waste each other's time

I didn't want to sit around

Playing games to a dead end

People like you do not chase people like me

I laid out my goodbyes in your final throws

A part of me hoped for more 

But I had to kill it all

It was against your dreams 
against your future without me

And I can't be selfish
So now I have to go

I'm going back to my safe place

It's going to sting

It's going to strain me

But this is the only place I can breathe

Alone, unwanted, unloved, unbroken

I'm reopening those familiar scars

Letting the rot embrace me 

Its foul stench so intoxicating

So welcoming...

~Evelyn Nec

POISON

Chapter 9
There was hope in this place
There was a place
I think
My memory is worse than blurry
There is a black hole now
Sucking in all that I am
Sucking in all that I was
Sucking in all that I thought I would be
Sucking in all of you 

Chapter 5
I am over here
I have always been over here
You are over there
You never move from there
Keeping your walls sky high
while you hold my hand and kiss it
I keep running to you
You keep running away
You have always run away
A chasing after the moon

Chapter 2
You once said that you are everywhere
The other day I thought I saw you
I did see you
You saw me too
I saw a flicker in your soul
But as soon as I made a step forward
It died
I saw myself vanish in your eyes
I saw myself vanish out of your life
I saw you letting me become another stranger on the street

Chapter 11
When I scream your name
There is no answer
When you scream my name
If you scream my name
I never hear you 
When I reach out
All I grasp is wind
One cannot hold the wind
Are you even there?
Or am I so damaged 
that I imagine you into existence?

~Evelyn Nec

2017 FOR HER

2017 for me

In January I got another beautiful little girl, bringing the number of my children to ten - six boys and four girls. So much exclamation over the number from everyone. 

Feb and March went into ensuring recovery of full body strength. 

April, I hit the exercise trail, you know, to lose the natal fat and get back in shape, fight to keep off disease that comes with age. It worked in the opposite way. I collapsed one evening on the trail because my blood pressure suddenly shot up. 

May brought a friend, someone I treasure. 

June, July was pure bliss. I got back on the trail and ate "healthy" or at least tried to. Along with a cocktail of pharma drugs, I did herbs to control my blood pressure. 

August found me slow and disoriented and as it ended, I was told I had a terminal disease. 

September I made forty. I had cracked lips, pale peeling skin, pain in the body, lost 15kgs without even trying. I cried a lot for obvious reasons. I started a herbal therapy that meant I go onto a pure vegan diet. Raw veges, lots of fruit, several liters of spring water, walking for miles each day. Misery and worry with me all the way. 

October was pretty much the same. Nothing makes you sicker than being told you're sick. In and out of hospitals. One specialist after another. Long queues, more tears, loss of appetite. Seeing one more carrot, one more avocado had me gagging. My friend was there. That very much needed shoulder to cry on was always there. And when I stayed up in the night from pain and worry, my friend stayed up. Did not tell me, at any one time, to woman up. Listened when I talked and most times just held my hand and quietly let me tide over the hardest of times. Friends. 

November I decided to live again. I bounced back. My sunken cheeks filled out again. My skin got back its dark chocolate luster. I got a bit of carbs and protein back in my diet plus the rare glass of wine. 

December, I got back some kilos. I became hopeful. I spent a lot of time with the children. Thankful that when I was doing badly, they had school and did not notice much of my situation. Cannot say the same of the eldest daughter, though. That girl has tears! 

I bid 2017 farewell in a much better state of mind. I fought to get back up and I am going to keep fighting to stay up. 

Welcome 2018, let's do this!

~Alinta Kanse (I am proud of you)

AN EXTRA EXTRA

SLEEP

THE BRIDE

BACK TO MY ROOTS

My demons have finally caught up with me
I chuckle at this very thought, nervously
It's absurd 
I can never outrun my true self
For a moment there,
even if it was just a glimmer in the darkness 
I never thought I could find myself back here
To this familiar casket
This emotional filth

I shake my head in defeat
It's uncanny 
how I ran to a stranger for help
The stranger was me
I was playing dress-up
Now I shade the lambskin
The familiar bitterness in this hell
engulfs me whole
I take one last look at the sun
as the darkness in my soul fits like a glove
I bask in the carnage

If we went back to the drawing board,
would you have guessed my dying day

~Evelyn Nec

DANCING DREAMS

CHASING YOU