If you think that I will turn and run in the opposite direction just because you say so... think again! I happen to still be standing on my own two feet... shaken....yes but not broken. I do not hate you coz my heart is crowded with better feelings. You failed to make an impact on me then, now can't change my good naturedness. But that doesn't mean I feel nothing for you, I do....pity and a big hell lot of it coz I know of your suffering, I know you cry yourself to sleep, I know food is a dear fetish of yours, I know you send yourself letters to feel loved, I know you don't like the person you see in the mirror, I know all your deep dark secrets... You are a solitary fool Your emotion deficiency makes you think that time is still that pain is the only way to feel stronger to feel something...anything and then you wonder why you have no friends. I am not here to teach you a lesson you've failed to learn from those wiser than me I am here to tell you that if you hurt a hair on my head... I am going to tell my mother!!!
I learned to love; and to love alone. I learned to love without the heart warming embrace; without the daily calls; without the expensive diners and gifts; without the handsome face and breath-taking physique; without the numerous promises on candle lit nights; without the roses so red; without all day texts; without the sunset kissing; without the surprises on midnight rides; without the hope that you will always be there; I do not need you to give me the world because I learned to love; and to love you alone
There is this feeling in my soul, the one of lost sleep on a work day. My thinking is not clouded... yet but my emotions are, I'm like a woman scorned, my look is worse than by bite. Whoever has business with me today is in for a beating of a life time. Let no one assume I will oblige to apologies. My heart was not cut out of softness... at least not today. This feeling might last for a week or two, So I'm staying away from all those who claim to have ties with me. I hate the vulnerability that comes with love. Moving on... I'm going to hurt someone today... that's for sure because fire is treated with fire. This feeling in my soul yawns for pain... not blood, but that is still an option...
He gets to have the best of me, He-who-must-not-be-named, Yes, he is my very own kind of Voldermort. One second, he is sweeping me off my feet, and in the next he smashes me in to a wall. But I fall for him again and again, Like the scars are invisible. Uh-mm...he gets to have the best of me.
He gets to have the best of me, He-whose-heart-is-so-guarded. Yes, he was hurt by his very own kind of Cruella. One second he was in love, and in the next he was stabbed for it. But he lived to tell the tale of the ugliness of love. Now I am the punching bag. Ouch....He gets to have the best of me.
He get to have the best of me, He-whose-soul-can-be-softened. Yes, I am his very own kind of Bella. One second he hates my guts, and in the next we are in loving embrace. Our love is our love, unique indeed, and for now we hold hands. Whoa...he gets to have the best of me.
One day when I'm older, I will look back on this time and I will tell them all, whoever is willing to listen that I am grateful for having been there. Life is blissful in dreams, but reality stinks! That's the lesson I've learnt.
One day when I'm older, I will guide you through life's bits and pieces, I will give you all the answers to make you living worth a while. I will tell you not because I want to make your life easy, but for you to see it all coming, to have that lesson before hand.
One day when I'm older, I will look back on the time I destroyed your life, and I will make myself go mad with thoughts of absolution, because I would have let you in on the secrets of life way before your time leaving you with nothing to live for.
I love love actually, the idea is not completely pedantious, Someone to lay down the world before you, to love you and say they do, to caress and share with you, to care for you, and stand by your side against all odds... No, indeed the idea isn't bad after all... the mimicry is!
Hold me closer Yeit, I can't talk. Take my hand in yours for one last time, Kiss it just the way you used to, Look me in the eyes with your sapphire gaze and call me "Baby" I will not cry, I will suffer no guilt, A hundred years of not knowing you would have meant nothing. I met ecstasy in your eyes, I felt love in your touch, I found peace in your presence. If I say I didn't love you, then I will be lying.
Hold me closer Yeit, I'm cold, Look me in the eyes and say that it meant something to you. Do not let me go away in doubt because I don't want to beat myself just to kill it all. I want to be with you here; in a reality so pure and there; in heavenly bliss. That is the ultimate prize for a winner, right? An everlasting love brighter than the hope for tomorrow. Give me strength to cross over, To go way with a never ending joy. Time with you has been worth the flow despite the bumps. If you say that you didn't love me, then I'm better off dead!
I can't say I feel lost because that's not what it is. I feel... blank, nothing... completely. I have tried to focus my mind on something... anything that can trigger an ounce of emotion, But...all is nil, Joy can't curve my lips, Misery can't moisten my eyes, Love can't soften my heart, Fear can't shake my soul! It's like am standing in front of a mirror with no reflection, No life... disowned by my very soul What has become of me?!
Of course I cry, I cry a lot, Come on, had it been you, this pain would have cracked your armor, That call was uncalled for, a total act of cowardice. Do not worry I wouldn't have asked you to be a man and say it in my face, Please, you could not handle it anyway. Well, either way it was going to hurt, a big hell lot. But I had healed, kinda, from the silent treatment. Until you ruined it all with a stupid phone call. I had moved on, or so I told myself. Until you hit me straight through my healing cracks! Are you happy? Now that you have seen the wreckage I call life! I will heal, that's for sure, though not today, tomorrow nor months from now. I will heal and you better be preparedbecause you will be sorry. I WISH!!!
I am standing in that place many die to be and others will never reach; the vast sea of gold, and yet I did not anticipate victory to be this painful. I am right where I deserve to be, Always wanted to be, Worked through thick and thin just to be, and yet I no longer want. My eyes are clouded by unshed tears, My chest feels so hard... I can hardly breath. My body is a shaking wreck. These opposing emotions can't even let me take in the beauty before me. It's too late to turn back now, Guess my calling is a sad one.
As my head touches the pillow, My spirit gets flight and in to the waves of slumber I let myself go caring less about the world am leaving behind because I know on the other-side, am going to be all I want to be; The King of My Own Destiny. Reality scares me, Reality weakens me, but in dreams is my strength. Despite my earthly misfortune, I get that minute glimpse of hope... That one day the sun will raise and set over my head. I'm a hero... in dreams.
The beams of the evening sun caress the vast park sending shades of gold over nature's green. Nannies run after toddlers in an angry merriment, Parents sit on park benches keeping a hawk's eye over their children, Infants urgently demand for this cotton candy or that ice cream cone. Some teens seem to enjoy the magic of the evening while others wish for thunder than be part of the family field day. The elderly seek peace since it was already established that there would be no quiet. Younger lovers sit in excluded corners embracing each other. This is why I love working in the park because I get to see all the milestones of life.
I smell a rat, A rat I know so well. It's stench is as strong bringing salty tears in my eyes and a nauseating lump in my throat. I wish I could choke on it and die than humiliate myself with a broken heart's tears. Coz I have been down this road and yet I let myself fall in so deep. I'm like shattered glass among grains of sand. I wish I could find myself but I have got no power left this time. Four times I have been bitten, Five times still not shy. How could I forget that I am just a stepping stone? How could I forget?!
It's three weeks now since I started my visits to the secret pond. I stumbled upon it on my tear-blinded walks in the woods. Since then I have been a devoted visitor, the only one who sought the spiritual healing in its still waters. But on that night I could not miss the difference even in the air I breathed. He was there... for the very first time... and probably the last, I saw the man who was not there. He stood in a spot not far from mine. In the moonless night had I not focused I would have missed him, he was smoky-white, I could almost reach through him, his unusually long frail back seemed stiffer than wood, and the hairs on his head were scanty long tendrils that made waves in the slight blow of the night breeze. There were no features on his face save for the blank hollows where his eyes were supposed to be. But I bet my soul there were tears streaming out of them. His smoky hands and legs faded away into the darkness. Despite his physical unnaturalness, there was nothing terrifying about him. I oddly felt okay with his presence. He gave me something bigger to think about than my self-pity. I wondered how many times he had seen me wailing, cursing the heavens for my misfortune because something about him told me it was not his first time there. Here was a restless spirit seeking the comfort of my secret pond and all I have done was disrupt that peace with my cries of self-destruction. The lump in my throat dissolved. My teary escapades saved for another day. But for that particular day... I walked home a changed man.
I saw a tree once, The most beautiful of its kind; It stood firm; It stood tall; It's magnificent branches reached out to the heavens, It's enormous roots seemed to suck life out of the earth itself; But yet all around it life blossomed, from the flowers to the grass, shrubs and even crawlers, In the wind was the buzzing of the honey bees and singing birds, Its gigantic shade brought a heavenly coolness; and a spiritual healing in the falling leaves; I sought its comfort even in the gloom of winter; For it knew something that I did not; It was to stand firm no matter what was thrown your way.
I have resigned to saying and doing nothing; I prefer dealing with a better class of ideologies; I am tired of the ancient, for there is nothing new under the sun. I am at the point of self actualization; I have seen the pain and the joy; I have seen the tears and the laughter; I have seen the world on both sides of the rich and the poor; I have been places, there and back; I have read books small, big, old and concocted; I have seen thousands of days through winter, summer, autumn, spring, drought and famine; I have seen the wrath of wars lost and fruits of wars won; I have seen new life and dying life; I have tasted all concoctions of food man can come up with; I have loved and been loved; I have been a faithful victim to drugs, alcohol, smoking, and all other things man can master; I have hated, punished, blessed, celebrated achievements, been taken away by the talons of jealousy and adhered to deceit; I have seen the wonders and miseries of work, marriage and children; I have seen it all and I am TIRED!!! But if I go in to my cocoon of self-induced withdrawal from life, I will miss out on life; for even if the stars do not change...LIFE DOES; I have just lived. My cup is half empty or half full; whatever the case my be.
I always think to myself that if the devil took someone's heart and they wanted me dead; I would tell them not to shoot me through the head, because I do not want to go to the grave without them... my memories. It is the only thing I am permitted to take with me... to take with me to the darkness. When my last breath is taken, when my last word is spoken, when my time has stopped, I will have them, the memories of the life I had, the people I loved, the tears I cried, the successes I achieved. I will have those memories good or bad, Non-selective!!! For it is only the memories that will keep me going as I wait for the day I will see the gleam of the light again. The dead do dream... about you and me.
My navy blue sky has no stars; blank like an endless hole it looks back at me. My chest tightens and a huge lump forms in my throat; Forgive me for I might give up and cry because the misery of it all is unbearable; to know that there is no star to shine for you; to know that your sky will always be a plain facade; for it will give you no joy nor hope; no will to hang on nor the strength; no way forward nor the power of choice. It's like looming the earth with nothing to live for, with nothing for you to look at and say; "That's mine and I'm proud of it!" Sheer emptiness of the soul, that no matter how much you scream, no one will hear you. Until the end of time, you look up at the sky and all you see is how it cries for you on everything you do and... It will be blank.
It is heavily raining outside, something worse than just a storm. A mixture of the bellowing of thunder and the wrath of hail stones; not to mention the venomous winds. My window is blurred with all the heat my body can produce. But I like what I see because I do not want to scream, I do not want to scream when I see my death coming. For I know they are there... the trees. They love me in the scorching sun of summer, they hate me in the blizzard of the storm. They can not be trusted. I put all my trust in an unlikely hero, my little house built on a rock. With all the world against me, it will try to protect me... I THINK!!!
I sit through a boring job, I sit through boring extracurricular activities, I sit through this boring shit hole I call life, But when I am at the verge of taking my own life, I remember; the laughter, the love, the presents, the few disappointments, I realize that I was actually not counting my blessings, I put the gun down and walk home.
I took a walk to the city, hundreds of miles from my small village. I wanted to see life; For the first time I wanted to see life. The village kept me close to norms; It kept me bound by invisible forces. The village played life safe; But that is not what life is to me. The village played around with innocence; It kept me living for only virtue; But what they forgot isthat even the most innocent get to die. So I took a walk to the cityto over come my fears; to have my own chance to play with thunder. My eyes are open now. I see it all more clearly; the life I was denied. Was it worth throwing away all their teachings of my fore-fathers for a one day's bliss? Yes, for I had been so blinded, confined in an asylum of obedient sorrow. But there is that one thing that stood by me to the end of my stubbornness; The innocence of my soul. The city might have changed my perception towards life, but it did not change my spirit. I stood by virtue despite the booze, the drugs, the con men, the selfish city girls; I fought with norms. I took a walk to the citybecause for that one day... I was at both ends of the world.
If you think that I will turn
