LONGING...

Longing...
that is what I keep doing, day after day, hour after hour.
I long for the return of the innocence I knew as a child on my mother's breast.
I long for the love and care my poor parents showered me with then.
I long for the joy we had in knowing that we existed for each other despite the scarcity.
I long to see the happiness they had on their faces as each beautiful daughter arrived in their world.
I long for the closeness we shared then.

I long for those long-gone days when barefooted, we ran all over the countryside picking wildflowers and berries, fetching water from the well, collecting firewood in the forest or just enjoying a walk in the sunset to the call of homecoming birds.
I long for the innocent curiosity the girls and I had over the ever-winding cars of the train as it rattled along the old rails near our home.
I log for the times when a passing tractor had us running to that hole in the fence to shout our greetings to the prisoners aboard and the way shouted and waved at a seldom-seen airplane overhead.

I long for the way our dear parents showed us love, working hard to see us through good schools.
I long for those visitations we had when in boarding school that meant the world to us.
I long for those times of scarcity for then we all appreciated and loved each other, enjoying each other's company.

I long for those good old days when times were bad...

Poet: Sylvia Olivia Namulindwa

A SKEPTIC'S LOVE

I've been waiting on my own too long
for nothing
but love
I'm no longer sure it even exists
With each possibility of opening up
with each possibility of falling deep
I start to feel how my heart gets torn
I close my eyes to beauty
I close my heart to affection
Love killed me
Yes, with love I always find my place among the ashes
So before I open up my arms and heart
before I pour out every dream inside my soul
before you kiss me on the lips
Prove to me that I can trust you
that I can sleep and know you will be there in the morning
that I can cry tears of joy for the first time
Prove to me that you are not going to make circles in my life.
I've been waiting on my own too long
I easily scare
I easily run

THE MAN FOR ME

A white rose,
for a man that loved me so
but I returned a cold heart
I detested his love
the reason is still alien to me
A scornful gaze welcomed him home,
my tantrums haunted his mornings.
Until the day he walked out of the door
and never returned....
He was not the man for me.

A blue rose,
for a man I fancied....so rare
A love I was deceived to have found
My guard I let loose
liberating him into a monster
On my knees I served him,
On my back were wounds from lashing
when his temper skyrocketed
He learned the ways
to puppet a desperate woman....
until I round-kicked him unconscious
He was not the man for me.

An orange rose,
for a man I loved so
He loved me too
and this I know for sure
but he walked away nevertheless
Each thing in a skirt
had his tail wagging for a taste
His desires were unquenchable
Until I set all his belongings on fire...
that's when he realized that I meant business.
He was not the man for me

A yellow rose,
for a man that made me
ashamed of my own bodily desires
I was needy,
running from loneliness,
ready to take in anything.
I met the devil in person
My body was used
I hated my existence
I almost denounced life
until I buried a bullet in his skull.
He was not the man for me


A red rose,
for a man I never loved
but loved to be his destination
when he wanted to cheated on his wife
Our escapades were wilder
than animals in the Savannah
The intensity of not being caught
in his marital bed,
the mid-nights escapes
Breakfasting with sunrise
Life was such a delusion
until when he was given a chance to choose
I was left standing alone.....crying.
He was not the man for me

A black rose,
for a man I know so well.
Through think and thin
he has never let me go
for he knows deep down
I'm just as fragile
remove the scornful gaze,
the never ending tantrums,
desperation's subordination,
enslaving desires,
and settling for less,
under my coat of scared human skin
is a woman searching for love
Until I learned to love myself,
to treasure life
that's when I found love.
I'm the man for me.

A PROCESS OF GRIEF

If I woke up with death on my mind,
headed for the highest secluded level above the ground
and made a backflip to the rock hard surface below,
I see great things happening.
Grief in procession....
My loved ones will be bitter...in denial
as my face haunts the pages of missing persons.
My enemies will be jubilant...
marked by their flashing teeth
Greed will corrupt hearts
since I left no will.
Days become months
Waiting becomes a timely beast
I see hearts growing sore with sorrow
and eyes dry to pain
as search teams bring home aimless reports
But acceptance swindles in anyway
as leaves pile up over my lost body.
Soon life returns to normal
People jump over the dent I left behind.
A new staff takes my seat in the hall,
My family puts down pictures of me,
a stone is raised in my name for memories sake,
laughter echoes in the corridors at home,
My lover cleans out my possessions,
and begins eying other women
But just when they think it's over,
that grief is gone,
an unlucky soul falls upon remnants of my compost
and it comes right back.

A PAST PRESENT

The past is before us
Yes, the past is present,
It is here...
dwelling among us,
awakening the dead,
arousing the sleeping.
No, history doesn't repeat itself
It never has...
but it's happening now.
We're one with the darkness that engulfs us,
All fighting buried in the past....
that's now slowly unfolding.
Past darkness...us...you...me....
We're one entity in the suffering bound by the wind
that blows all of us in a uniform direction...
in to the darkness,
Just as it was in the beginning
the past lies ahead of us.

Written by: Tracy Kobukindo

I CUT OUT MY HEART

I cut my heart out,
put it in a tin
buried it under the oak
and went on in to the world
turning my back on emotions.
Emotion is weakness
my old self knows this well.
I shade my skin to no longer
suffer such diminutives
Now I can trespass life itself
without care and its caution,
without fear and its hesitation,
without tears and their sorrow,
with nothing to stop me,
to put a stutter in my thoughts,
to cause a pause in my footing.
I face it all as emotionless as a statue
empty to my soul.
In the blizzard of winter, I will stand;
In the ferocity of the storm, I will stand;
In the heat of summer, I will stand;
to the end of days, I will face life
without a quiver,
without that heart that had made me soft.

MY OLD ELVANIA

My old Elvania,
She's brought on the veranda each morning
for the yellow sun
to warm her wrinkled, dry skin
but never her heart
because she's lost to the universe.
The dementia is eating away her core
All I have is an old vessel
hanging on to whatever is left of life.

My old Elvania,
She watches the world
through cataract eyes
holding a posture of a lifeless being
until the sun gets down hard
and she crawls back into her hut.
That is on a good day.
Otherwise if not helped,
she can sit there even in a storm,
lost to insanity.

My old Elvania,
Her favorite meal is roasted beef
She even hides bones under her beddings
to have a friend when the world sleeps
for slumber is now foreign to her.
The slow killer no longer grants her such liberties.
It haunts her awake
making nonliving shadows move.
Her nights are a screaming convention.

My old Elvania,
Doesn't know who I am
a stranger I've become.
When we sit and chat about the by-gone days
she constantly asks for my name
and how I came to know of such things
On good days, she's happy to see me
especially when I bring her beef.
On bad days, she's an animal
Come any closer her teeth and nails
will puncture your skin
and these days are piling of late.

My old Elvania,
might be gone to me
but that gives me even greater purpose;
to tell the world about the woman who nursed me.
The protection she gave me in the darkness of marriage,
the hard work she endured at the talons of poverty,
the tears we cried of joy
and of sorrow,
the laughter around evening fires,
the folk tells of discipline,
the guidance into womanhood,
the shoulder to lean on,
and when the world threatened my existence,
she was always there.
I'm going to be here for her
to the very end because...
I love my old Elvania.

DARK SORROW

Depression looms around me like the very air I breathe
Making my sorrow louder than my scream
I came to terms with my end
for shadows have been after me for ages
I'm going down below for sure
This heart beat let it just stop
It's only crushing me with each pulse
sending a hurricane of darkness down my veins
Let me cross over to the other side
it will stop this pain
All this sorrow I've endured in life
only death can bring me true peace
Does this mean there's nothing worth living for?
There must be something
but death chose me
staying will only complicate things
I'm on my own death list.

NOW YOU'RE GONE

I can tell you're slipping away
When I hold your hand the tingling is gone
When I kiss your lips the fire is gone
In your eyes the glitter is dimming
and at your neck the pulse is decelerating
I know now you're gone
words can't sink it in farther
Our connection hanging by a thread
I will not fight this fate
for destiny is not a friend of mine
and a stranger you will soon become
I will watch you go
the ache in my heart will kill me
but that will not show on my face
I will smile as we agree to just be friends
but deep down I know you know
that is going to remain in words
Once you lock that door
you're out of my life forever
I will brave the aftermath of a heartbreak
for time can heal all wounds
especially now that you're gone.

LAST NIGHT

Last night, I missed my mother's womb
I went to bed sad,
alone I curled up like a fetus
and cried
It wasn't cold
but I shivered to my last bone
because of a pain in my heart
A pain with an idiopathic origin
but everything that crawled this earth
seemed to sparkle it off
Last night, I missed my mother's womb
its warmth and protection from the world
that hurts me so.

CALLING HOME

Calling home,
I let the phone slip out of my fingers
as a trail of blood forms on the floor
from my paling arm
Mom is on the other side
calling my name frantically,
begging me to tell her where I am
"I will take away your pain
I will bring you home," she pleads.
I want to speak
but words die on my dry lips
I don't want her to see me like this
She taught me better
but that girl is so long gone
I lost the innocence
I lost the light
She will never be proud of what I've become
Even if she leads me through the storm
My soul has already sailed
with the ferocity of the waves
I will be an empty vessel
and a worthless life
I don't need.
The only antidote to my mental suffering
is physical pain
I'm calling home to ask of you
to lay my ashes among the thorns
I've not been divine in life
neither should I be in death.

A WOMAN SCORNED

You took my love
and fed it to the wolves
You took my head
and toyed with my senses
danced to my cries
With your friends cheering
calling me names
how I'm easy, a whore
and foolish
for having fallen for you

You took my life
and made it your ash tray
You burned my heart
and all the emotions with in
You turned me in to a monster
Now I will watch you
plunge to your death
from the cliff of hate
you built in me.

I SEE...

I see me,
I see you,
I see us...
gazing.

I see me,
I see you,
I see us...
smiling.

I see me,
I see you,
I see us...
holding hands.

I see me,
I see you,
I see us...
kissing.

I see me,
I see you,
I see us...
fighting.

I see me,
I see you,
I see us...
sad.

I see me,
I see you,
I see us...
no more.

MY LIFE IN HAND

As I walked through the valley of death

I realized that all I have lived was a lie

Now I'm faced with my worst enemy

with nothing for a weapon

with no help

with no light

with no strength

As I start this fight

I know I'm good for death

My hands are sweating

my legs are shaking

my sight is leaving

my heart is racing

my breathe is choking

I'm a sorry excuse for an opponent

to a foe as great as death

As I set my soul for war

I look back for one last time at the mirage 

I called life

Their smiles,

their hopes,

their dreams,

their love

all shining brighter than I've ever seen

My life in hand

fragile like a fawn

I have to protect you

Life is not crystal clear

no one will give you the key to its doors

there is no manual on how to live

but one rule:

"Keep your head above the waters"

I turn back to my foe with a whole new understanding

with a strength unknown to even myself.

I charge with a might of a warrior

Heaven smiles down on me

This decision I could only reach by myself

to fight for my life in hand

As I walked through the valley of death,

I feared no evil.

A PRISON FOR MY DESIRE

I'm building a titanium cage for myself
with fibers of steel
I need all the power in the heavens
to keep me confined.
because he is out there...
waiting for me
the Son of Delilah.
He is like one of them masquerades,
with eyes of a cheater,
mouth of a liar,
hands of a seducer,
and a body to die for.
He's calling unto me without words,
He's wooing me without actions
My body is aching with wanting,
beads of sweat forming abundantly.
The pit of my stomach is getting warmer
I scratch myself with hopes that pain
will snatch me out of this lust hole.
Save me!
but please...don't let me out of this prison
I will devour you like a savage beast.
You Son of Jezebel,
you bring out the demon in me
Stay!
Please stay way from me.
I need an exorcist
This lust is serious
it's extraterrestrial!

NO TITLE

There is a place
where I come from,
where I took my first steps
A yellow house faces the evening sun
daring it
to sip through its thick walls
The birds, the trees,
and the grass below
can never match this perfect stone.
Who built it?
Mr. J.D
A man I knew more than just a father
He was also my friend
He saw to it
that I never cried
He saw to it
that I desired nothing more
The stars, the moon
and the skies above
have never seen this perfect love
I curse this world,
I curse this place
For this man is no more.

DARK DESPAIR

I spend my days with no purpose
because I'm dead right to my core
I'm saddened by each rising sun
The pointless hours I spend in bed
are not for sleep
because even dreams deserted me
There's no excitement in this life
I'm forced to endure
Nothing to look forward to,
not even a challenge to set the fires with in me ablaze
That I'm reduced to envying dust
for it's purpose seems greater than mine;
to go where the wind blows.
I'm stuck here in this hopeless blur
without a purpose.
I'm nothing but a corpse.

Inspired by: Tracy Kob

MAZE

Leave me alone in this maze
I need to find my way home
I don't need your help
I don't need another soul to save
This madness I built with my own two hands
But, I need you to be there at the end of the tunnel
to be my flicker of hope
when I finally come through,
moulted out of my old self
Leave me alone in this maze
I need to search for me.

THE WILL OF SAMSON

You make the devil cease being
a mythical beast
You standing over there with an evil grin
pasted on that shapeless thing you call a face
Your burning eyes have followed me around like prey
drilling holes in my back
waiting for an opening in my moment of weakness
to find shelter in my soul,
to cause havoc in my life.
Your presence in my domicile
was known way before you took shape
Your demonic pressure straining down on my shoulders
But you have misjudged my leanness for weakness
because in all this bone
there is the will;
the will to fight for righteousness,
the will to live a life as clean as possible
Throwing diminutive gifts my way
cannot bend my trust in The One above
Laugh away while you still can
I think...
I'm about to bury a hatchet in you head!!!

A HIDE FOR MY DRUM

I am a hide tightly stretched
out over a hollow wood
When beaten right,
I produce a dance-able beat
My master knows just how to get
you off your feet.
The beat is highest near the edges
and lowest at the center
Although my master never sings,
I sing so well when my master drums me happy
Him and I are the epitome of the art of music

But, someone put a hole in me one night
Someone with a blue-green envy
My master was sad
and the shock failed to sink for a few days
Pity was showered over his shoulders by loved ones
The promise of a replacement
brought a smile to his tired face
and a hope for new beats on my savaged surface
But the replacement was not a hide for me
it was a new drum for my master

I was cast away like something evil
and from the stores of old things sentenced to burning
among the rats and cockroaches
I heard him sing
my master was singing again
with no trace of missing me
His tone was soft,
his drumming was beautiful.
Something he had only done when I was new
But I was happy that he was back to his old self

My judgement day came fast
that morning unknown faces cleaned out the stores
all my rodent friends were killed
and scraps burned
I was put aside by a hand I knew too well
the owner of the blue-green envy
I had almost died from waiting for my turn to touch the flames
when it dawned on me that I was not meant for death
The monster took me away
my screams falling on deaf ears.

When my master sensed the burning, he ran to the site
"Where is my drum?!" he bellowed
A shaky finger pointed at the ashes
"We thought you did not like it any more"
"I was making money for a hide for my drum" he cried.
"He has died thinking I had disowned him."
He broke down and let his grown man tears flow
leaving tracks in ashes supposedly mine.

A STAR FELL FROM THE SKY

A star fell from the sky
on a dark rainy night
She screamed so hard,
so loud to her stary friends for rescue
but the speed of her fall made it venturesome
She landed in a large mud puddle
in a city suburb
Quickly, she layered herself with mud
not to draw attention to her shininess
A street child had seen it all
and was not afraid when he approached her,
limping
"Why are you sad?" he asked the star
"I thought you can fly back into the sky"
The star looked away,
silver tears running down her cheeks
"Why are you sad?"
The child came closer until he was able
to lay a painfully thin hand
on the star's shoulder
She found comfort in his touch
and in a sad tone, she replied,
"Because I'm not a star anymore"
"I don't understand," the boy said.
Turning away this time like in shame,
the star stammered, "I...I... lost my wings"
that's when it dawned to the boy
that the visible glow under the cake of mud
was dimming
"No...no...you're not dying," he cried
"I have just found you."
The star smiled because in his fear,
she had found her answer
"My wings gave me life"
She touched the boy's stomach and
the strangling pain he had been feeling
for the past three months went away
"And I'm giving it to you."
The boy was dumbfounded
even when her body shattered into silver dust.

NIGHT

I hate the night
and all that it stands for;
the lonely roads winding into darkness,
the graveyard silence,
the numbing cold,
the nagging whistling of the crickets,
the thieving rodents,
the eeriness in a sudden breeze,
the startling movement in the bushes,
and the random shadow at the street corner.
The gloom in the blue-black sky is unnerving
not to mention the inevitability of tomorrow
crawling in with new challenges
among the sands of time
I really hate the night
and the powerless of no control
We are forced to endure the night.

Co-author:My baby sis, Wendy Helena Angela Mellisa Namatovu (WHAMN!)

MAMA

Mama,
I came like a knife
almost driving you to insanity
I pushed through the waters
and the pain wooed you to give up
The heavens got the curses
Death you wanted so close
Papa became the foe
Alone you wanted to let go
But I didn't give you that chance
and I ensured that you know it
The binding walls I pushed down hard
A deafening shriek I forced out of your soul
But it was that tears of joy that I forced out of your eyes
when you held me so close
all pains perished
Laying so small,
so tender in your arms,
the heaven got the praises
Papa gave you a kiss for having endured the claws
of pain just to bring me to life...
to be my Mama.

A DANCE IN SNOW

Dance with me, my Lady Dance with me in this snow We will stop feeling our movement
as the numbness leavesa ghostly trail up our limbs,
but just...but just... keep on dancing Because the dance of lifecomes from the heartand not from the world so visibleI do not want you to feel the bumps I want you to feel the rhythm of life Dance with me, my LadyDance with me in this snow I want you to see that... The world can be as white as snow.

THE STORY of MERILYN SHEPADEEN

Merilyn Shepadeen fell in love with a boy
The boy fell in love with Merilyn Shepadeen
For 2 years they held hands,
looked in to each others' eyes and the world fell behind
He was her Alfa and Omega
But the boy had a crack in his trust
Not long a day came when that foundation was tested
Merilyn Shepadeen was left alone.

Merilyn Shepadeen remained in love with the boy
As years built sky scrapers of her life,
She buried herself in to the world of luxury
Anything to keep her from hurting
She made friends with booze, drugs,
and sleeping with hitched men
Merilyn Shepadeen kissed so many frogs.

Merilyn Shepadeen had moved on when
the boy called one evening
Listening to his words about missing her,
wanting her, loneliness...seeking absolution
brought her back running.
Merilyn Shepadeen dropped all that she had acquired
in seven years and eloped with the boy
For two months, no questions were asked
save for those their bodies demanded
She was in love again
But the boy had an entirely new agenda
Merilyn Shepadeen didn't see this coming.

Merilyn Shepadeen was broken
The boy turned out to have acquired the ways of a seducer
He toyed with her heart and
imprisoned her with dreams of happily-ever-after
The damage was done by the time
he let her in on the arrangements of his upcoming nuptials
Merilyn Shepadeen was numb to all that happened there after.

Merilyn Shepadeen sealed her heart away in a place so cold
She spent her days dancing with thunder
and her nights knocking on hell's doors
As the months gathered dust on every flat surface in her house,
so did the number of scars at her wrists
She deluded herself with what-ifs
until the devil himself answered her call
Merilyn Shepadeen took her life at a tender age of 25.

WAITING

A great man once said that
"Waiting is a form of pursuit"
To me, waiting is a form of torture
I have waited for seven years...exclusively
for the answer to come to me,
to make sense of these emotions,
to come to terms with my destiny
Seven years of excruciating agony,
loneliness...denial
Seven years of almost kissing insanity
Now that you have come to me,
has my hard work paid off?
The probability is questionable
All this waiting has only led me to
another dead end
I do not know what to do with you now
I am back to that place seven years ago,
that place of utter confusion
With this I conclude that
"Waiting is a form of retardation in pursuit"
The great man must have been delusional after all.

WE FIT TOGETHER

A darkness engulfs my sky
when you're sad,
A tornado rocks my world
when you're scared,
A storm floods my streets
when you cry,
A scorching sun bears down on me
when you're lacking something
My happiness is bound to yours
I will go far and wide
just to see you smile,
to bring those golden rays back in my world,
to warm my heart
With your tears gone,
my flowers will blossom
With your fears gone,
my birds will sing
With your needs met,
I will rest peacefully
My love for you is my soul reason to live
so I swear with blood
that you will never...ever
know this thing called....PAIN!

SPOILT CANVAS

I'm a spoilt canvas because so many artists
have come to show off their talents
and forgotten to layer me with a new white.
Now among the primary, secondary,
and tertiary colors
is my shuddering self
The me they spoilt inside.
A new brush on my surface only
unfolds the turmoil in me
A decent black can't curtain my suicidal sorrow.
They pushed beyond redemption.
In my life, they are a nail in the head,
In their lives, I never cross their minds
because I'm dirt, easily beaten off.
They left me a spoilt canvas
This scar is branded on my soul's blue print
in a capital...
"S.L.U.T"

ONE DAY LOVE ME

You cut me off the tree
and threw me into the sea
that's when it came to me
that you'll never love me

I always put you first
My happiness fell behind
'cuz my anticipations ruled
that you'll one day love me

My heart would lose its tune
each time you came around
fantasies drowned my years
that you'll one day love me

Even when I gave my life
that day when you collapsed
behind the wheel
I only thought of you
that you'll one day love me

As words die on my lips
and waters make way for me
I decline the fight to live
'cuz you'll never love me

UNWELL

As I stood in the mental asylum,
I realized that one thing was certain
I oddly understood why they were the way they were,
de-touched from reality
Because of late I have been hearing the whispers in the walls,
seeing the non-existing,
shrieking my lungs out at invisible crawlers.
No, I know not of the golden brew,
not cannabis so intoxicating,
neither sniffed the white dust...
yet I present just like them.
Do I then deserve to be called mad?
No!
I am not depersonalized nor de-realized
and my behavior is not ticking off the last nerve of others.
So, it's fit to say that I am just unwell.

CHOOSE ME

Choose me...
I know the code to your safe
just in case you intend on leaving me broke;
I hate football but will watch the matches with you
keeping in mind that you watch with me all reality shows and cartoons;
Her boobies may be big and round but mine are small and firm
so you will never feel flaps of skin when age makes us grow fonder;
I won't pretend to love your dog because I find bulldogs uuuuugggggllllyyyy.

Choose me...
I don't do sports but I will support you on your gym visits
on condition that you go shopping with me
coz that's the sport I do best;
Her IQ may be high but I don't need that much to sustain a conversation;
She is a vegan but carnivores are happier!!!
I don't do mummy meaning I don't cook, no laundry, no tea-parties and birthdays
coz I know how to satisfy a man without enslaving myself.

Choose me...
I am dishonest so get to know that a few lies
keep the divorce attorney away;
I have no nagging relatives so don't except me to hurt my cheeks
just to smile at your mother;
Her skin may be fair and soft to touch
but I was made by God not by some surgeon in Beverly Hills;
I don't play monkey so don't expect me to speak in tongues
when we meet with your pastor.
I'm Jewish!

Choose me...
She wears tight clothes to keep you interested,
I wear baggy jeans and t-shirts to keep you guessing;
I will take responsibility for my wrongs meaning...
I will yell the roof off when you piss me off!
I will not hang on your hand like a tumor because
I have so many more important things to do;
Lastly, I'm the choice against all odds...
Choose me.

SO LONG, 2010

So long, So long,
My dear friend 2010,
gone and will never be seen again
except among the pages of old newspapers
that are bound for extinction.
You and I knew how to have fun,
we embraced the gift of life,
laughed at each moment we could,
yet we also knew how to cry
for all the battles lost;
battles with disease,
battles with love,
battles with poverty.
You encouraged me to stop and smell the roses
because life might be thorny but the end result is beautiful.
You taught me how to let go of the materialism of mankind.
And as I move on to a destiny unknown,
I thank you most for one thing...
I learned to forgive.
So long, So long,
My dear friend, 2010